Latest Entries »

A break for a Mom

My children will be spending thanksgiving with their father and grandparents. They will actually be gone for a couple weeks so that I can concentrate on my up coming finals.

I seem to find myself both dreading and actually looking forward to this time away from them. Does that make me a bad mother for looking forward to having time without my children? I am not in anyway saying that I will not miss them; they will be on my mind every second they are gone. I know that as soon as they are buckled into their grandparents van this weekend I am going to burst into tears and feel completely lost. They are my life and my world. I am just going crazy with school and kids and everything else. I feel like I am drowning in my life. I have to keep u with all I am doing right now but maybe find a better balance. I am looking forward to the quiet study time.

My boy friend is also going to be in Miami for most of the time the kids are gone so I will really be by myself, no distractions. I can’t even begin to tell you how I am going to relish being able to take a long hot bath after a long day of studying.

I am going to enjoy my time to myself. It’s be long awaited for. I won’t lie at time I feel sorry for single mothers who aren’t allowed the luxury of their children spending a week or two with their father. As much as I am looking forward to this time, I know that after the first night I am going to be itching to have them home again, as is always the case.

I am also very much looking forward to fitting in some actually real dates with my bf on the days that he will be in town. Who knows maybe we can even fit in an “adult sleepover” some time…

Wow I am looking forward to this time way to much…. I feel guilty… like a terrible mother… like I don’t have what it takes to be their mother full time because I look forward and want these breaks… I don’t think I’d be able to be a single mother with out the breaks. I don’t think I could do it. What does that say about me as a mother and a person?

How am I going to deal with them going off to their dads for the summers once they are older and I am remarried with another child or two that won’t be leaving? Will the other children be jealous?

I guess only time will tell and I suppose it’s not too evil of me to make the most of my time without the children.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.


The news broke this morning that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged at last! Kate has waited eight years for this day. Boy, did she play her cards right. I wonder if I would be able to be as understanding and patient as she has been. I would like to think that if I were dating a prince I would be able to be as understanding and patient when looking at the potential of becoming a princess and even a queen one day.

Thinking of that I suppose I should be that way anyone I am with as long as they are someone I am compatible with and they are also someone who is “deserving” of me. Meaning that I should be willing to wait and be understanding for the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. So if I am not willing or wanting to want or be understanding for certain things (as Kate was understanding of him going away for military training and waiting for him to go where he wanted with that part of his life) does that mean he just isn’t the one or that I need to take a long look at myself and what I am willing to do for what I want.

I do know that I need to get off of my high horse and stop expecting the person I am dating or with to be doing all of the understanding and waiting compromising…. I know that I am not like that ALL of the time but I do see myself not being or acting the way I expect my significant other to.
William and Kates relationship is nothing like the whirl wind romance of Prince Williams parents. Kate has waited 8 years! That is a very long time, but in that time they have learned about each other and have grown a relationship that is strong and has the potential of standing the test of time. Couples who give their relationship time to grow and mature before marriage should, or at least would seem to me, last longer than couples who marry after only months of being together. If someone asked me if I would wait 8 years I think that my first reaction would be F*** NO! I seem to want someone to fall in love with me on site and know right away that I’m “the one” right away. I need to step out of my fairy tale world and realize that is not how love works, no matter how much I want something love is not automatic and of all the things in our lives we need to welcome time as something to nourish our love and help it grow. But is 8 years really necessary? I would think 2 or 3 years but I do think that for the right person I can and will want to wait that long if that is what it takes.
In the end it really shouldn’t matter how long the wait till marriage if we are going to be spending the rest of our lives together … right…? Thats what I need to think about and not the wait to get there.

Patience is a lesson in my life that I keep having to learn over and over again. I need to learn to enjoy to journey to get to where I want to be instead of being unhappy that I’m not there yet. Kate waiting 8 years to become engaged is a reminder of this lesson she is getting her fairy tale ending, hopefully this lesson will work out just as well for me. I want someone I want to wait for.


Stand By Your Man- Should I?

When I date, I’m not just dating, I’m really looking for a future husband and a future step father to my children. I see little things that they do which annoy me and I have to think, “is that something I can put up with for the rest of my life? Is it something he will change? Or is it something I need to just break up with him over and just move on?Is it something I would want a divorce over if we were married? ”

Those are questions I think others ask themselves in relationships also.

I am having trouble in my relationship and it seems to mirror the “ I want you to WANT to do the dishes” argument from The Break Up movie with Jennifer Aniston. I just want my guy to want to do these certain things without me having to constantly ask about them or say that I need him to do it. If I have brought it up in the past is it really too much to expect him to do these things without having to ask or mention them? Shouldn’t he just know that I appreciate it and thus want to want to do them just to see me happy and see my appreciation? I do stuff for him I don’t like just to make him happy. I plan a night at home when he is tired instead of planning to go out like I want. I make coffee because he likes to drink it not me. He never has to ask for it, it’s just always ready for him when he gets here. I feel that since he has already met my children and they have been bonding that I have so much invested in the relationship that I can’t just give up as easily as other girls my age might.
I don’t think that I should stay if we are always fighting about the same things but maybe I shouldn’t be upset about everything? Maybe I should think about these questions:

What are things we should compromise with?
When do I stand my ground?
When do I let him have his way?
What are things that are ok to break up over?
What are things that we should just over look and accept as part of who the other person is?

In the end if the issue is something that neither of us will budge on even if its something small and insignificant to the other then I don’t think that I would want to go into a marriage that way. We would continue fighting and fighting about similar things. A couple can only take so much arguing especially about stuff the other feels shouldn’t be argued about and just forgotten about. If its just one little issue the couple can just find some common ground and move on but if it’s several issues that are being fought about every day I don’t think the couple has a very good chance at even making it to marriage. So when I find myself arguing constantly about the same issues over and over again all I can see is a divorce if we let the good times we have together take us to a marriage and I don’t want to let my children go through another divorce.

Perhaps I should not see things that way and worry about divorce before the relationship even gets that far. I feel I have to they way Americans view marriage and divorce these days. It’s not how it used to be where women and men each had their own place in a relationship. Women don’t stand by their man no matter what any more.

Even though I am divorced I do not take marriage vows lightly and I will not go into a marriage if I think that I can see us getting divorced over anything. The world of HollyWood which seems to rule our subconscious in this American society has made it the norm to divorce, and to move from one marriage to the next without a second though about the vows they took. Marriage has lost its place in the American psyche it once held firmly. Perhaps this is partially because women no longer feel they have to stay with their man no matter what. As soon as someone feels unhappy in a marriage instead of thinking what they can do to fix it our minds go to divorce and moving on to a new marriage. We seem to have forgotten that marriage is a lot of work. We forget the phrase most of us say in our vows ” For better or worse” and as soon as things go bad we are out.

The one “power couple” I can think of that truly worked on their marriage instead of just running away from each other when others would have are the Clintons. This could be argued strongly that it was just for their careers but now they do seem like a happy couple. I feel she forgave too much. Perhaps she did what she needed to do to save her marriage? Is a marriage worth staying in if it means taking away from who you are? Does forgiving a cheating husband take away from you as a person?

The other power couple I see in the media are Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They, in contrast to the Clintons, haven’t been surrounded by adulterous controversies. They seem to have a very happy and long lasting relationship. They seem to have adapted to each others lifestyles and made a happy family. The woman doesn’t always have to be happy with the same things that her husband is. She can do her own things and have her own career with charities , etc., while being a good wife and mother at home. How she does all that I’ll never know, but perhaps it is good for a marriage for both partners to have their own lives out side of the marriage, their own interests aside from their common interests. I see this and I think to myself that perhaps it’s ok to not have EVERYTHING in common and we don’t even have to think similarly. It’s just important that we recognize how each other deal with certain issues and respect each others differences and sometimes do things we wouldn’t do other wise. That last part has to be a two way street though other wise nothing will work. I just have to learn to love my significant other the way he needs to be loved and he needs to learn how I need to be loved. Give and take.

When I have the revelation I think that perhaps my current significant other I have more of a chance at a future than I thought. We don’t have to be a perfect fit for each other.

I need to take these lessons from other relationships and not stick so strictly to my preconceived notions of what a relationship should be and look like. I have to remember that I may find what I need in the most unlikely places and it may not look like what I expected. It’s ok to be happy with something I didn’t know would make me happy and it’s ok to no be happy with what I thought would make me happy. I also need to make sure that I don’t worry so much about if he is making me happy or not and make sure that I am making him happy to. Compromise and acceptance of who the other person is what makes a relationship last. At least that is what I have come up with so far.
I want to be a happy old couple one day.

I want a man to feel that way about me one day.

Being a single dating mother means that not only are you dating, but so is “the ex”. This person your ex is dating might very well have been ” the other woman”, such is the case with me and my ex. Well, my ex has never been very respectful about not bringing her around me. I know that she is going to be around my kids, but there is no need to have her in my face all the time. I am having a birthday party for my kids and now issues stemming from my ex dating are beginning to surface.

Here is the gist of the our story from the beginning to now, so that you can better understand the situation that I am in….

I left my husband at the very end of nov 2007. Our son was just 4 or 5 weeks old. I went back at the end of dec. My heart was not in it and I did somethings that weren’t condusive to making the situation any better. In my defense though, he had made it very clear that he planned to not follow through with his part of what he agreed to, going to anger management, the only condition I insisted on if I were to come back home. So, who could blame me for my heart not being there when I knew he wasn’t going to do the one thing I had asked of him. The one thing that would make me comfortable with coming back he refused to do. Anyways, it didn’t last but a month and I left the end of January. We both started to look for something and someone else about a month or so later. (probably not the brightest idea, but I chalk that up to being young, stupid and needy).

Then in June of ’08 I decide to go into the Army. He got the kids while I went to basic and all that. We also decide to get back together. Well, as it turned out his ex gf was pregnant and he didn’t tell her that they were broken up…. hmmm strange huh…. can you hear that sarcasm? ugh I hate some men… certain men… So on my graduation day from basic (9/11/08) he flew up with my daughter (my son stayed with my inlaws). I got all kinds of phone calls from his “ex” and her sisters telling me that he and his ex were still together and still messing around. Yay, what a wonderful day for me! Well, we stayed togther and in Oct I went home for a month. It was just terrible. We decide to get a divorce. Within days she is all over his myspace page “Oh I love you hubby” and all kinds of bs. Ugh. OH well.

I am home from the Army now and I have the kids. Their dad and I have settled things between us and we can get along for the children. He sees them when he can, which is not that often, and for a week to 2 weeks at a time.

Fast forward to now. I am throwing a Birthday party for the kids. Their birthdays are only two and a half weeks apart, so this year we are throwing one big party for both… much cheaper… October 10th at Stone Mountain. My daughter started asking who will be coming and she threw a fit when I told her that he father wasn’t coming. Being the mom that I am, I couldn’t take this. I had already invited him, but with him living 6 hours away and not making very much money he just couldn’t afford to make it even though he really wanted to. I decided that I would try to make a deal with him and perhaps let him keep some child support to be able to afford to make it to the party. I take it that his gf didn’t take too kindly to my generosity and…. here is the issue….
Not only is he coming but so is she and their child (which was concieved and born while we were married). That actually isn’t the problem. I have gotten over them. The problem is that they are also bringing her sister and her sisters children. Yay for me right? The reason I do not like this is, because this is the girl that called me on my basic graduation and called me all kinds of names for being with MY husband, whom I had thought had been being faithful to me. I have to forgive my ex and I have to forgive his gf to be able to go on with life and make the best of a bad situation for my children. I refuse to hate my childrens father or at least let them see that hate. I don’t, however, have to forgive this sister of his gf. Why! why should I? Well, because, the bible says I should I suppose. Her sister coming bothers me because, I have had time to forgive my ex and his gf but, I haven’t dealt with forgiving this lady yet. My ex and his gf have been in my life but, the sister hasn’t so I haven’t dealt with it. Now my anger toward her seems fresh.

I am going to forgive her. It is not her fault. She only knew the lies that my ex told them about me. I am not going to tell him not to bring her because, I don’t want to look like I have any resentment left and I don’t want to give them any reason to think bad of me. They are all going to come and the kids will all have fun together and celebrate my kids birthdays. They will be surprised by my forgiveness and generosity. I guess that I also want to show that I don’t have feelings left for my ex and telling them that they can’t come will just prove, in their, minds that I must not want them there because I will be hurt and jealous. That is not the case.

I honestly feel that his gf felt threated when I invited him and so rather than just be a woman about it, she decided to flaunt the relationship in front of me, which to me is just childish and I could care less that she has my leftovers. I just don’t want this other girl there in front of my children that has called me all sorts of names. I do not want drama. Im going to be a woman and just let them come and be welcoming, forgiving and generous to them. If they try to start drama I will simply ask them to leave and not participate in any arguements.

I do not feel the need to flaunt my relationship in front of my ex and his gf. My bf will be on tour with the Army band that day and so won’t be attending the party. I hope this all works out of the best.

I may have forgiven but, I still have some bad feeling towards them for all the wrongs they have done me. I will push past that and have a great party for my children.

(The videos from basic aren’t of me. The first is of my company but not while I was in it.)

I have always had a vision of what I want my life to be. I think every woman grows up dreaming about their perfect husband and perfect children since they were just little girls. I also grew up with the saying ” you can be anything you want to be”. These two norms for little girls have given me two completely separate goals for life. I feel that if I follow one that I am giving up on my other goal. What is a girl to do?

I would love to have that huge house at the end of the street. A wonderful husband who comes home every night just at 5:30 and alway, always, has the weekends off. I want to wake up in the morning and make breakfast for my him and the children, get his things ready for work and have the lunches and homework ready for the kids to go off to school. I want to be the stereotypical stay at home mom (SAHM). I want to feed my children only the best organic food. I want to take them to dance and football practices. I want to have all the neighbors and their families come over on saturday nights for dinner and game night. Then go to Church the next morning.

I want all that. I would love to be the SAHM and devote my entire being to my children and husband. I would love to give my husband as many children as we could economically afford. Honestly I really feel like I should have been born in the 1930’s so I could be 1950’s mom and wife.

That dream does not tie in very well with my other dream of being a high school history teacher. That is what my current major is, history education. I want to teach high school students about our past and how it ties into our future. “If we do not learn from our past we are doomed to repeat it”-George Santayana. I want to get students engaged in their learning and show them that there is a point to all the monotony of their everyday high school lives. I want to show them that just because something isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing, that in fact it means just the opposite. When I was in high school I saw a lot of smart people failing because, they didn’t know they could do it if, they just tried harder. They probably didn’t know that they were even capable of trying harder. I really have no idea, as of this moment, on how to make that kind of an impact on someones life. In the end I guess I want to make a difference in their lives. I want to touch at least one of these students minds and awaken perviously unacknowledged yearning for knowledge and learning. I want to be the reason someone has a love for history.

The latter of my goals is more conducive to dating. These days no guy, especially a guy my age (early 20’s), wants their girlfriend to be a stay at home wife. The majority of 20-something guys aren’t even looking that far ahead. They want to go to parties and clubs all weekend. Thats just not me. Trying to find a guy to date who wants the type of wife I want to be is near to impossible. Men today want a girl with career ambitions. They want their wife to have her own career but be the quintessential wife and mother as well. Women have babies and are back to work within weeks. I really don’t think I could ever do that. All that really leads me to believe that if i ever want to find a guy and get married again that I need to finish school, get a career and figure out how to be the modern day superwoman.

Honestly, I don’t think I would want to go to work until the baby was at least two years old. I really feel like I am so far out of the norm for wanting that. I want a guy who will leave that decision of work or staying at home to me and not hold a grudge if I choose to stay home til the baby is old enough for a day care, a baby sitter or school. I spent 11 months away from my children when they were 7 months and 20 months when I was in basic and AIT for the Army. Maybe it’s my guilt from that which makes me want to make sure I can stay with my babies as much as possible. The truth is I think the first 2 years are crucial to a child’s development and they need their mother there for them 24/7. That’s just a personal belief and I know that not everyone can stick to that for whatever reasons, sanity or financially they can’t afford to stay home for that long. I see how much my 2 and 3 year olds need me now and I can’t imagine spending any more time away from them than I already do with school just two nights a week. Those two nights a week are looked forward to though. As much as I do love being with my children 24/7 I do need a break every now and then.

Why do moms have this mandatory guilt when they want to spend some time to themselves?
I hate that feeling but I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting more than just staying home ALL the time. I do not feel that I can be the modern supermom, have a career and a family. I don’t quite understand yet how to combine them into one lifestyle. It works for some and doesn’t work for others. I want to do both. I just feel like I’m going to have to choose one day and I do not want my family to suffer emotionally if I go to work or suffer financially if I stay home.
The best solution to this problem, (trying to blend both of my dreams into one reality) for me is to just wait to get a career until my youngest is in school and that way I can just teach while my children are in school.

Who knows where God will lead me? I will just have to follow his plan for me faithfully and know He is doing what is best for me. I will finish school and just see what God has waiting for me along the way.
My daddy always said, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”.


Being a single parent has created challenge upon challenge. “It’s a good thing I am in the Army and can be independent now.” After leaving my husband for the third time, and actually pursuing a divorce, I thought that for sure this time I would have a life and career of my own. A way to show my children I was independent and strong, that they too could make it through anything on their own. I was then medically discharged from the Army…. so much for having my own life and career. Discharged, divorced and having full custody of my two children I was lost! From April 2009 to January 2010 I did not date. I just stayed home at my mother’s house and concentrated on being a good mother (whatever that really is). Having been separated from them for 11 months while I was in basic training and AIT (Advanced Individual Training), being back home with them I was completely lost on how to parent at first. I glided through as if I had all the right answers to ever situation. I handled the crying and tantrums perfectly. As soon as they were asleep I feel apart. I had no clue if what I was doing was right or wrong. I felt disconnected. I felt lost. I felt guilty for so many things, mostly for taking them away from their father and pursuing the divorce. I knew I had no choice in getting the divorce. So many bad things had happened in the marriage there was no going back. Not again at least. We proved twice that wasn’t going to work.

Now I’m single and dating again. As if life wasn’t crazy enough. I do want to be married again. I want to have “my fairytale” as I call it. I don’t want to find my kids a daddy. They have one. They may not see him every day but they have a Daddy. I am just looking for my one and only, my knight in shining armor. I want this for me. I want to be a good girlfriend and one day a wife again. I plan on figuring out how to pursue a personal life and be a mother at the same time. There are answers out there somewhere and I will find them. I will.

Moms‘ don’t date, do they? We aren’t sexy, sexual people who want anything intimate at all with anyone except the fathers of our children. Mothers are just mothers. They aren’t people too.

That is how I used to think and sometimes still do when I think of my mother. It’s hard to see her as anything else beyond being my mother. Her emotions and life do not revolve around me, although at times I find that, for one reason or another, that’s what I was expecting.

So if that is how I, a mother myself, see things then how do others see me?

I don’t really see my self as a mother all the time. Am I really a mother ALL the time? There are times when I want to do and say things that mothers just don’t do and say. Sure I want to be that mom that bakes for kids classes and goes to all the pta meetings and sports events. I want to be the mom on the street that all the kids love. I want to always have a clean house and a fresh baked pie with about 5 of my own kids running around and a loving husband who comes home from work with a smile a kiss and a rose. I want that silly little fairy tale. I also want to be wanted.
I want to be a WOMAN too. I want to wear make up and high heals with a short skirt and low cut shirt. I want to go out on dates. I want to smoke a clove every now and then. I want to go have fun and drink. How can I see myself as a mom when there are times that I want things that moms don’t want or better put things moms “shouldn’t” want?
Can we merge being a woman for our man and a mother for our children into one being? How can we deal with the guilt of not ALWAYS wanting to be mommy?

Don’t get me wrong I love being a mommy, but there are times when I just need a break to go out on a real date in a sexy dress to a romantic place and get layed afterwards. There are times when I want to go out and drink margaritas with my girl friends. I love being Mommy and I love making snacks and playing tag and tickle monster. I feel guilty when I want more out of life. Moms aren’t supposed to want boy friends, romantic nights or to stay out til 5am at a crazy party with friends. Our fun is supposed to be doing mommy things and thats it.

How do you other mothers balance being a woman and a mother? Are your wants and dreams as a mother the same as your wants and dreams as a woman?

My first blog!

So this is my first blog. It seems strange to me to be writing a blog for class, but hey, welcome to the year 2010 right?

Today’s journal made me start thinking a lot about where I am now and I am so proud of myself! I have come so far and seen so much in just these short twenty-three, almost twenty-four, years of living. I have given birth twice with no medication, been in love an amazing two times, although I suppose that is disputable, been in the United States Army and now am a first year student at Kennesaw Sate University. I don’t care who you are that is a lot for any twenty-three year old. I have had a hard time these last two years, but those same two years have been interrupted by some AMAZING times.

Getting out of the Army was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wanted it so bad! I finished basic and then it happened. I got through the hardest part of being in the army, besides deployment, and I fracture my pelvis, my back and my hip. That just made my year! Did you get that sarcasm? On top of getting the news I was going to be Med Boarded my husband and I also decided to call it quites after being with him since I was eighteen years old. Perhaps one day I will go back in the Army. As of right now, however, I am in too much pain to go down the stairs too many times.

Getting out of the Army has allowed me to be where I am today, sitting here in my Eng1101 class writting my first blog. Going back to school is an amazing experience. I haven’t been in school since 2005! Five years out of school! I am so proud of myself! This is HUGE! Four years from now I am going to be holding a degree.  Thank you ” Post 9/11 GI Bill”. 

Ok, so, I am now wrapping this up I am in too much pain to keep sitting in this chair. I need to figure out how to share this with everyone else.

Good bye-